Protectors Of The Plot Discontinuum
by Elenya Aurelin
Summary: A parody on 'Protectors of the Plot Continuum' Don't get me wrong, I love that fic, but this is funny. So my friends say. Plz R+R!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: LOTR is n-not mine… *sobs* Do you know how hard it is to say that!?  
  
A/N This is a sort of twisted version of 'Protectors of the Plot Continuum'. This isn't actually a story, but until I have time to find a story about a girl in M-E who *doesn't* fall in love with a member of the fellowship, or join it, or have magical powers, or anything that disrupts the canon. *I* like it… but the almighty reviewers will decide…  
  
*  
  
PROTECTORS OF THE PLOT DISCONTINUUM  
  
"Mary?" asked a tall slender teen with long blonde immaculate hair, perfect teeth, a good sense of humour, three degrees in Language, Law and Physics respectively, and an all round kick-ass persona.  
  
"Yah Sue?" replied an equally perfect teen with an auburn bob, and a degree in both Language and Law. Those two were compulsory for this job.  
  
"We have another one. A 'Purist', of all the nerve!"  
  
"Like, ohmygod, a 'Purist'! That's just like, stupid!" their mouths both formed identical perfect 'o's of indignance.  
  
"Like, I know! Faeries, elves, or all-powerful like, witchy-things this time?" asked Sue, pressing random lilac sparkly and faux-fur buttons.  
  
"Oh, like, what are those like, kick-ass god things?" asked Mary in excitement.  
  
"Like, the *super* kick-ass god things!? Good idea!" replied Sue and fanned her face with her hands. Mary pressed one of the buttons (Pink sparkly faux-fur this time) and a portal opened up they stepped through, and immediately dropped into M-E just outside of Rivendell.  
  
"Girl, you look so kewl!" said Mary.  
  
"Like, ditto!" they had remained exactly the same except for a new costume, weapons, magical powers, and, obviously, cool ears.  
  
"So, like, what exactly are we looking for?" asked Mary.  
  
"Ummm… black hair, blue eyes, most *DEF.* not joining the fellowship, isn't going to even *lust* over one, and most definitely doesn't have magic powers, sing, or anything!" said Sue with a look of utter distaste on her face. At this, Mary's matched it.  
  
"So, like, what's she writing a story about?" asked Mary incredulously.  
  
"Like, something to do with being an elf from Mirkwood who came with the Prince, who has an important and life-changing message for Elrond. I didn't do more research than that, but she even remembers to mention this was overshadowed by the quest for purposes of the plot, and *USES OLD ENGLISH!!!*,"  
  
"SHE IS GOING TO DIE!!! NEVER, EVER, USE OLD ENGLISH!!!!" screamed Mary, and using their amazing magical powers, transported themselves to The Council.  
  
"Elrond! My main man!" said Sue upon seeing him.  
  
"L-like, OHMYGOD!! LEGGY!"  
  
"What new devilry is this?" asked Boromir, jumping up, and placing his sword at their throats as did everybody but Elrond and the Hobbits. And Gandalf.  
  
"*This* is for like, FANDOM!" said Mary, and began to sing.  
  
~~~~  
  
If everybody had a number,  
  
Across the USA-  
  
~~~~  
  
She was cut off in mid-song by the girl standing up.  
  
"Okay, I surrender, I swear, Legolas loves me! I love him! I'll sing AAF, I'll go on the quest, but STOP WRECKING THE PLOT!!!"  
  
"Ahah! You *have* to die now!" said Sue.  
  
"Why? It's an MS!" said the girl, not frightened but brave and royal.  
  
"We *live* to wreck the plot!" said Mary, and immediately zapped the girl into Moria with her amazing powers. Now having successfully wrecked the plot, it was up to them now.  
  
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" asked Sue.  
  
"Like, ROMANCE!!!" said Mary, and they cheered. Suddenly Legolas and Aragorn leapt up.  
  
"I think you're hot!" said Legolas.  
  
"Screw you, Arwen, me an' this babe are goin' to kick evil ass!" said Aragorn.  
  
"I'd like, love to, put I have a manicure at two so, Ciao!" said Sue, and they both teleported home.  
  
"So, that went well!" said Mary.  
  
"Uhuh! CELEBRATORY SLUMBER PARTY!!!" screamed Sue, and they ran upstairs to change.  
  
*  
  
Love it? Hate it? Want to hunt me down and carve my heart out with a spoon? Tell me.  
  
Note: This is a parody. I know its like, practically blasphemy, but it is kind of funny! 


	2. MY SLUMBER PARTY!!!

Disclaimer: S-still not mine…*goes into hysterics* I will *never* write that again. Just let it go there!  
  
A/N Thanx:  
  
Starbrat  
  
San Antonio Rose  
  
Sprite  
  
I reeeeeally appreciate the reviews. I didn't know PPC had been taken down! Does any one know why?  
  
*  
  
PROTECTORS OF THE PLOT CONTINUUM ("MY SLUMBER PARTY!!")  
  
"So he was all like 'You're hot' and I'm like 'I know' and he's like 'Are you free anytime in Halimath?' and I'm like 'No, we don't fly helicopters in Math'" Sue was telling her excited best friend. Mary was painting her nails *almost* ferociously, but still carefully and perfectly, like everything about her.  
  
"Oh, you go girl! He is like so totally into you! And like, what then!?" asked the pink-nailed teen.  
  
"Well, like then we went home, and I'm all like, 'Bye' and he's all like, 'Bye'!" finished Sue with a flourish.  
  
"Well, Arag… whatever, was all like-…" Mary was cut off in mid sentence by a flashing pink light, and a tune began to play. It was the speaker.  
  
"Morning Angels!" said the annoying little phone.  
  
"You have the wrong number, it's like, 11pm. But yah, we're angels!" said Sue, but the other person had hung up. The speaker-phone rang again immediately.  
  
"Mary, Sue, my little darlings, there has been another one. This is terrible. They've done everything right, it's set in the Grey Havens!" said a worried male voice. Mary and Sue jumped up.  
  
"This is like, serious! And the cheek of it all, during my slumber party!" said Sue in disbelief.  
  
"Well, it gets worse. Legolas is married! *NOT* to her! You are going to have to totally sort this one out. GIMLI HAS CHARACTER!" the voice at the other end of the line sounded almost hysterical. Mary and Sue jumped up, make-up, teddy bears, and faux-fur and glitter flying everywhere.  
  
"I'm thinking like, warrior queen elf type thingies," said Sue. Mary nodded in agreement.  
  
"Like, totally!"  
  
"Any old English, Brett?" asked Sue, dragging a walkie-talkie with her as she ran to the Control Room. Mary was already there, pressing buttons. Obviously, due to her degrees, she knew exactly which ones to press, in what order, and could memorise every one exactly. Who can't?  
  
"In places. Elders, like Gandalf, Elrond, Galadriel and such do all the time. For formal occasions everybody does, and there is no slang at all. Ever," said Brett.  
  
"Like, rule number one!" said Sue as she stepped through the portal.  
  
"No old English, the character is in the English, therefore the character is normal, therefore the fic is wrong," said Brett as he turned off his end.  
  
Meanwhile Mary and Sue had got into M-E with little difficulty, and were now slaying orcs by the dozen.  
  
"Like, die for your crimes against Fashion!" screamed Sue as she effortlessly killed three with one sweep of her sword.  
  
"Like, if I wasn't killing you, I'd like, faint!" Mary told another two as she cut their heads off with one sweep of the blade. Finally the battle was over. With not one scratch, cut, or messed up hairdo.  
  
"Like, we just ROCK!!" said Mary.  
  
"You're telling me?" Sue asked, and they began to do a high five, but stopped just in time.  
  
"Oh, sorry girl but, I might like, break a nail!" Mary apologised.  
  
"Like, ditto!" Sue assured her, and they continued on their way. Finally they reached the sea separating them from Valinor.  
  
"Like, kick-ass god things would be useful now!" said Sue slightly annoyed, but still sweet, perfect and gentle as always.  
  
"Like, don't forget, Mary and Sue conquers all. Magic Powers! Duh!" explained Mary, in slight exasperation. The only time they exceeded slight emotions was when they were happy, sorrowful, sweet, or gentle.  
  
"Sorry girl! Like, did I tell you that kick-ass warrior queen suits you?" asked Sue apologetically.  
  
"Like no! But I think you look like, amazing, as always!" replied Mary.  
  
"Awwww, c'mere girl!" said Sue, and they hugged. Then, amazingly enough, zapped themselves to Valinor.  
  
"Hi guys!" said Mary upon arrival.  
  
"Like, Elrond! Like, who does your hair!?" asked Sue, "You've really let yourself go a little, now there's no evil and all," she added. He frowned.  
  
"How did you and your companion arrive here? By means of magic, I surmise, or thy would not be in the middle of our Council," he said.  
  
"No shit Sherlock," said Sue. Because of her degree in Language, she knew exactly what he was saying. She would have any way, being an authoress, and a darn good one at that, even if she and she alone said so herself.  
  
"Anyway, like, who here has dark brown hair, green eyes, speaks Sindarin only, being damn imperfect, used to live in Mirkwood, and had no involvement in the Quest what so ever?" asked Mary, sounding disgusted. A tallish elf that fitted the description stood up.  
  
"I understand you are an OC but not an MS?" said Sue. The female elf nodded a little fearfully.  
  
"Well. You have committed these crimes. *Ahem*. Not lusting over a member of the Fellowship, taking into a account, and not adjusting the canon, placing yourself in Valinor, thus regarding what has happened in the past, and having faults. Most importantly, you *USED OLD ENGLISH*!!!! How many times must we make people tell you: No old English, the character is in the English, therefore the character is normal, therefore the fic is wrong!" Mery recited. Sue narrowed her eyes at the girl.  
  
"Why can't you see MS's are for the good of elfkind? Take her down Mary," she said, and looked away, completely at loss for words. The disgust overwhelmed her, and she would have been sick apart from the fact it may mar her perfectness. Mary nodded.  
  
"Gladly," she said, and whipped out an arrow, stuck it through the girls throat, pulled it out and shot it between her eyes. Because she could.  
  
"Excellent. Now Legolas, is Saturday good for you?" asked Sue, but unfortunately the canon was still in his mind.  
  
"I-I'm married…" he said, in indignation.  
  
"Oh, that. Mary will see to that in 5…4…3…2…1…" screams echoed from the distance.  
  
"Aurea! A-aurea…Aurea who? Hey girl, maybe we could like, get a tree later on…?" he said breaking away from everything he had before in about ten seconds. Just then Mary ran in.  
  
"Sue! We have to go like, NOW!" she said, her eyes wide with fear, however only adding to her appeal.  
  
"Like, why, I'm having fun!?" asked Sue, puzzled. She needed a party.  
  
"Because like, I have blood on my hand!"  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!!!" screamed Sue. Immediately they summoned a portal and dived through. Once on the other side, Sue picked up a phone.  
  
"Like emergency!!! We need soap! STAT!"  
  
*  
  
Still plotting my death? Good for you! 


	3. OO, CUTE SUPER UNICORNS

A/N Thank you all very much! Especially Acacia! i bow to you, O great one! But all of you, thanx! Hugs to:  
  
Rubi Granger  
  
eledh  
  
anonymous  
  
Ocarina Rune Scholar  
  
Sprite (Again! You like me, you really like me!)  
  
And last, but by no means least, Acacia!  
  
And so you know, plz has been thrown in the furnace along with my homework, overdue library books, and a bad ancient Black Lace CD that was my dad's and he keeps listening to which bugs me...  
  
BTW, Thanx to Sprite for the idea for this chapter!  
  
*  
  
OOOH, CUTE SUPER UNICORNS!  
  
Mary lay down on her pink feather mattress, looking worn out and vulnerable... just as she should, to be appealing... like, how else was she going to pull Brett? She picked up a small mirror from her bedside table, and began practicing her already annoyingly perfect 'I'm so hurt and sore and... hurt...' look. Just then Sue came in with a trolley of gourmet chicken soup (What else?) tea, and toast. Oh, and a hot water bottle and Ms. Snuggles.  
  
"Like, are you okay girl? Brett's going mad!" she said, handing over the stuffed fluffy car-crash white bunny. Mary sat straight up.  
  
"Like! Brett's going MAD over me!?!" she squealed. Sue looked at her,  
  
"Like, duh girl, you used up all the hot water and he needed a SHAVE! Like, badly! He looks like Aragorn now...ick..." Mary fell back down *nearly* scowling.  
  
"Like, OHMIGOD!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW! You *like* him! Like, like him like him!" squealed Sue dancing round. (Amazingly well, she was a proffesional ballerina/jazz dancer/swing dancer) Mary looked at her, her semi-scowl becoming a quarter-scowl.  
  
"Like, no I don't girl! You've like, gone mad!" Sue stopped dancing and looked at her friend. Tears brimmed in her eyes.  
  
"Like, no I l-like... haven't..." she sobbed. Mary immediately jumped up.  
  
"Aaaaaawwwww, girl, c'mere! Did you think I was like, mad at you? Like, no way!" she said, giving Sue an awkward hug. After all, she had only just painted her nails. Perfect Peach is not a colour to be messed with.  
  
"No way girl, it's just, j-just that, Brett just gave me this way-cool earpiece, only to tell me of a new fic about the... the DEATH OF LEGOLAS!!!!" Mary's eyes grew. Like, really really grew.  
  
"Like, no way!" she said.  
  
"De-nile is not just a river in Egypt..." said Sue.  
  
"We have to go like, now! Like, NOW! C'mon!" said Mary, jumping up. She picked up a phone connected to Brett.  
  
"Like Brett, Sue's like, really upset! Like, how dare you!? Anyway, to cheer her up, we're going to M-E as pink and lilac unicorns. It's a surprise. We need to be able to fly and like everything! Like, super kick- ass, that's right! And we need them like, now! 'Kay? Good!" she said, and hug up, exuding sweetness.  
  
"Like, c'mon girl, let's go!" said Sue, conjuring up a portal.  
  
"Like what're we going as?" asked Mary, cleverly covering up her ploy.  
  
"Oh, I don't know, I think we'll leave to Brett..." said Sue, sighing and stepping through. She landed in forest and tossed her hair. O god, damn flies, try to bite my legs will you? she thought, and swished her tail. That's better! Deal with the wrath of my tail! My t-tail? MY TAIL!!!  
  
"Like, Mary! Oh girl, you set this up for me didn't you!?" she squealed. Mary grinned. (Can Unicorns do that?)  
  
"You deserved it! And girl, you look way cool!" Sue ran up to Mary.  
  
"Awwwwwww, ditto! i just want to cuddle you, you look really sweet! But like, these hooves on the floor best not ruin my manicure!" she said.  
  
"Like, oh my god! I hope they don't! But like, if they do, like murder Brett!" said Mary.  
  
"Like, I was going to! Upset me, will he!?" said Sue, and they laughed.  
  
"Any way, I think we have to go like, through Hobbiton to get to like, the bit where... Legolas goes over the sea!" commented Mary.  
  
"I'm like pretty sure we do!" Sue replied.  
  
"Oo, like, Pippin! The cutest little thing ever!" giggled Mary in anticipation.  
  
"What!? Like, if Frodo wasn't in like, The Undying Lands, it would be him... But like, he'd be... old..." said Sue. They both shuddered.  
  
"EEEEEEEEWWWW..." they made faces simultaneously.  
  
"But like, won't like, Pippin be old?" asked Sue, her eyes gettign huge.  
  
"Like, ohmigod, I never thought of that! But like he has sons, right?" said Mary.  
  
"I'm like, pretty sure he does. Oo, baby hobbitses!" Sue squealed.  
  
"Awwwww, baby ones? Let's like, take one with us!" suggested Mary.  
  
"But like, don't they need... changing and stuff?" asked Sue.  
  
"Oh like, ew, maybe not..." said Mary. The two friends chatted about other such deep and interesting topics on their way to Hobbiton ("Like, why is grey the new black, when you could have like, pink?") finally it was getting late and they wondered if they were on course. Or maybe it was because one of them had to stop every ten minutes to get a stone out of her hoof or something.  
  
"Like, Mary, are we going the wrong way?"  
  
"Like, maybe it *always* takes this long to walk. Let's just like, zap, 'kay?"  
  
"Like, 'Kay" said Sue, and they were gone in a flash of blue light. They reappeared outside the Green Dragon, and began walking towards the Great Smials. Of course they knew the exact direction. They reached the Great Smials just after Sundown. At the door was a hobbit Gatekeeper. He was still slightly in canon, so put his hand on the bellrope so he could pull it at a second's notice. Mary and Sue smiled on him, and the magic began.  
  
"Like, is Pippin here?" they asked.  
  
"Mister Pippin, the old Thain, departed for Gondor nigh on five years ago. 'Tis said he was lain to rest by the King Elessar," said the Hobbit.  
  
"Like, I knew that! But like, Brett didn't mention it. Oh well, can we see one of his sons then?" asked Sue. The Hobbit's canon shield was breaking down and he was succumbing to slang, and ooc behaviour.  
  
"Of course, who wouldn't let you two cuties in?" he said, and opened the door. Mary and Sue went in. When the door was firmly closed behind them, Sue said to Mary,  
  
"I told you you looked like, adorable in this get-up!"  
  
"Ditto girl!" and they continued into the Great Smials.  
  
*  
  
A/N Sorry I stopped in the middle of the 'plot' *muffled snort from readers*. However, I decided insanity was needed quickly, and so… 


	4. LIKE, OH MY GOD! HOBBITSES!

A/N Oh my god, look at all the reviews I got!!!! *Motions to guys with machine guns* They don't need persuading now… that's good, the FBI are already hounding me. But they can't have Orli back. *Muffled cries* Shuttup! Thanks to:  
  
Philosopher At Large  
  
Noah Vail  
  
Starbrat (Just assure me it wasn't the guy with the gun who made you review again!)  
  
I Princess Lillith  
  
Avelera (Thrice! Not once, not twice, but thrice! Three words: I'm a GENIUS!)  
  
Wunderlust!  
  
Danke! Um, here is another exciting instalment of the amazing PROTECTORS OF THE PLOT DISCONTINUUM! *Director: And you're out!...* *Me: *rips off fake smiling mask**  
  
~~~~  
  
LIKE, OH MY GOD! HOBBITSES!  
  
~~~~  
  
As Mary and Sue wandered through the corridors of the Great Smials, their unease grew.  
  
"Should we like, be here?" asked Sue. Mary turned to look at her,  
  
"Like, I doubt, but like, where's the fun in being where you're supposed to be!?" she told her partner.  
  
"Like, point taken! But um, like, I miss like, Legolas… shouldn't we be like, saving him?" asked Sue.  
  
"Yah… oh my god I was just so caught up in looking for Peppen my head is just like, spinning!" explained Mary, and they immediately zapped themselves to the white towers past The Shire. A HORRIFYING sight greeted there eyes.  
  
"LIKE OHMYGOD, WE WASTED LIKE, SO MUCH TIME, AND LIKE, LOOK WHAT HAPPENED!!!" screamed Mary, but Sue was already in action. Gimli, who was hugging Legolas before they began their final journey, was drop-kicked suddenly into the ocean, and several lightning bolts from a certain unicorn peppered his body moments later.  
  
"Like, this is the last time I waste my zappy things on your boyfriend," complained Mary, but it went unheard. Legolas stared at Sue, Sue stared at Legolas, Legolas stared at Sue, Sue stared at Legolas, and I have slight cramp so lets finish that… Suddenly Legolas leapt up.  
  
"Ai! What devilry is this!? A strange creature has defeated my great friend and a worthy warrior at that! If it be so courageous as to kill my friend without warning or reason, perhaps it would be so brave as to best me in a duel!" he challenged.  
  
"Oh wake up Leggy, I have Prom Night soon and I'm not arguing about dead dwarves when we could be making out! I *need* to know if you're a good kisser! What's it going to look like if a turn up with a sloppy kisser? I have a reputation!" said Sue impatiently, and reached up.  
  
"Um, like, you're still a like, unicorn, and you're going to knock him out with your hoof if you don't transform. And I'm sure he doesn't want to kiss s horse!" said Mary.  
  
"Details, details!" said Sue, but in an instant was transformed into a fay, to rival the likes of Luthien or Gwendeling. As for Arwen, she looked like Gimli next to Sue. A pale hand reached up behind Legolas' head, and…  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" a glass shattering scream erupted from Mary.  
  
"Like, what now?" asked Sue, annoyed.  
  
"Like, like, like, Brad texted me!!!" she screamed. Sue immediately dropped the dazed and 100% OOC Legolas and ran over to Mary. There was a short message on her phone.  
  
Mary,  
  
I think ur cute. Do u want 2 go 2 the prom?  
  
Brad  
  
PS tell Sue Corey sez hi + would she chek her msgs?  
  
"Like, oh my GOD! You could be going to the Prom with *Brad* *Reed*!"  
  
"And like, you could be like, going with *Corey* *Everey*!!" they yelled at one another and fanned their faces with their hands.  
  
"But then, if I'm not going with a King, like, who wants to go at all?" asked Mary.  
  
"Like, ditto, swop Prince with King, and you have my reply…" Sue replied.  
  
"Actually, I do kinda wanna go with Corey… Ciao Lego, no hard feelings!" said Sue and zapped out.  
  
"What she said…" said Mary and left.  
  
"Can I least have your phone number!?" echoed through the plains of space, time, and primordial icky stuff.  
  
*  
  
A/N OMG am I insane. Well, *please* read and review! 


End file.
